Voices

He stared at the landscape shooting past him. Looking, not really seeing. There was a woman sitting opposite him. She looked to be in her late-twenties, around five to ten years older than him. She seemed concerned, tried to make conversation once, maybe twice. He didn't care, just upped the volume on his iPod. He didn't care what she thought of him, didn't care what the world thought of him. For all he cared the world could just blow up into flames.







His manic pleasure at the idea of every human burning to death, though for just an instant, was so intense, it scared him. He never knew that he was capable of such emotion.






He was falling. Falling hard, falling fast. Falling into himself. Into his misery, his self-pity, his hatred… Into the darkness growing inside him… Darkness, stemming out of hatred… And deep inside, fear… Where am I going? What have I done?.... Who have I become?






A part of him knew the answer to those questions. But that voice had always been submissive, oppressed by the louder, darker voices. When he tried to remember why he was going away, it was those loud, dark voices who brought him the memory…






He had gone to his fiancé's apartment in the morning. Let himself in with his key. Found her in bed with his best friend. He was calm, composed. Told her he wouldn't get in the way. Turned around, and walked away. All that mattered was that she was happy…






Really?






Damn that little voice…






Yes. Really. That is what happened and nothing you can do about it. Either of you…






The louder voice… it must be right. It had to be right. I mean… It was louder, stronger…






Listen to me… You have to go back. You can't run away.






We are not running away. We're making a new future. We're leaving the past behind, moving on.






You are lying. Don't be deceived.






You are weak. You have to go. We're all strong here. You don’t belong. You have to go.






That silenced the smaller voice. It couldn’t be heard anymore. It was gone…So easily… Could it really go away that fast? That easily? Maybe it was lying, maybe it wasn't… He searched his mind for the memory the louder voice had hid from him earlier.






He had gone to his fiancé's apartment in the morning. Let himself in with his key. Found her in bed with his best friend. He was angry, furious. Got out of the building, ran into his car. The loud voice told him what to do. He followed the instructions, took out the loaded .22 and walked back to the house. He walked, calmer. He let himself in, she hadn't locked the door yet. He found both of them sitting up in bed, her eyes were red, so were his. He walked into the room. Slowly raised the gun to her head, and said, "I won't get in your way. You can be with each other and I don’t care a fucking damn. You can be together forever"… Gunshots. It was over…






You should have listened to me.






We could have had a new life, but no, you had to resist didn't you?






You must pay the price.






It is your fault. What is going to happen now, is entirely your fault.






He got up, all of a sudden. The woman opposite him looked up, startled. She started to say something but then she stopped when she saw the manic gleam in his eyes. His expressions, a mixture of fear, horror and intense malicious pleasure. He walked to the washroom, the .22 burning a hole in his pocket.






***






Gunshots… A scream… They found him with his brains blown out, sprawled on the floor of the washroom…






The murderer, the one who was murdered by himself, he was gone. He used to hear voices in his head. The voices that taught him to kill.